12 weeks postpartum
I solo parented again this week.
I must admit, I am finding things hard and my mental health has been struggling.
I’ve found it difficult to know how to show up in all areas, both in real life and online.
I don’t want to be that person who *just* moans about how hard I find things.
But I am struggling. And it is hard.
On some days I struggle to find any enjoyment.
Not because there’s nothing good in my life or nothing that makes me happy, it’s because the hard bits are pushing those good things so far out of sight it’s like they’re not there.
It’s called depression, if I’m being honest with myself.
It’s the word that other people don’t really want to hear.
You want people to be aware but not to say anything. Don’t draw attention to it.
Don’t give me any attention but also help me. Please.
But let’s face it, unless you can offer childcare, clean my home, take away financial worries, perhaps change society while you’re at it - there’s little else that can be offered.
And that’s why I say ‘I’m fine’.
I said I would write each week by the week and this is it, week 12, and I’ve hit a very low point.
Most people tell me I’m smashing it. And that is the problem.
When you streamline and bend your routine for other people’s happiness, there’s not much left for your own.
And this is called being a parent.
I cried so many times last week, on some days I barely held it together. It feels like small things are getting to you but they’re not. It’s just that small, insignificant thing, tipped the scales.
If you think someone might benefit from reading this post, share it with them now. But, as always, no worries if not.
I just want to talk about fitness quickly. Whilst the link between mental health and exercise is well established, when you are suffering from poor mental health it can be really hard to class exercise as a priority. Even though it does make you feel better.
Right now, with my mental health and a bad cough/cold still lingering, the last thing on my mind is when am I going to exercise.
We’re going into a new week with runny noses and lingering coughs from germs that made themselves known weeks ago. How are we still this ill? Today I feel worse than I did a few days ago.
Freyja’s nose is like a tap as I write this. We are dangerously low on tissues and have reached the limit on calpol use. She’s really suffering.
I am also suffering, as wiping her nose is a full time commitment. Now I sit here while she naps (thank god she is napping) feeling exhausted and overly anxious about how much snot is on everything. After finishing this blog, I’ll be saturating everything with dettol.
She’s finding her general twoness quite difficult at the moment. I apologise to her so much (because she is offended so much) that she’s started to say ‘sorry mummy’ like it’s some sort of affectionate term or a greeting.
Olivia is still sucking on her fists which makes them smell like vomit.
She is quite possibly the cutest, most chill baby ever but her relentless fist sucking means her sleep suits and hands smell so bad. I can smell them as I feed her and it is something else. Like a cheesy, sicky old smell. I suppose she had to have something to help her fit in with this house of loons.
Sticking with Olivia and her minging hands, I want to take a minute to feature a small business that I absolutely love.
Priya & Peanut sell baby sensory toys and other items. When Madison was a newborn, I had no idea how to ‘play’ with her. How I could stimulate her vision or help her to use her neck muscles more during tummy time. I even missed this stage a little bit with Freyja, still unsure of what items would be useful or even appropriate.
I first discovered Priya & Peanut through a targeted ad and noticed they had a sale on some items. I ordered some flash cards and a crinkle mat and got the cutest wooden rattle included for free. After mentioning them on my stories a few times, the owners reached out and offered to #gift me some further products.
This is when Instagram really comes into its own. Through just loving a product, I’ve connected with a small business and helped them advertise their products.
I’d say that everything on their website would make great baby shower or new baby gifts for any friends or family members that might be expecting. I’ve never had anyone buy me baby sensory toys and would have loved to receive some. At baby showers you sometimes tend to get one too many comforters (small teddy’s attached to blankets) that never get used and other things that you don’t need.
There’s no trackable links to give, but if you do order something from this lovely business, please do get in touch with them via their Instagram and let them know where you heard about them. It’s useful to a brand to know that their efforts with smaller accounts like mine have been beneficial.
Madison spent most of half term in her room, only venturing out to eat and make Freyja cry. Their relationship is not a great one at times, managing to play nicely together for all of 2 minutes before a door is getting slammed in Freyja’s face or Madison getting her hair pulled. They seem to bring out the worst in each other at the moment.
We did manage to get out all together to a local nature reserve on Sunday. It did revive me a little and I felt abit calmer for the rest of the day. Sundays can be a funny day. You’re having the family downtime you’ve been craving but the upcoming week is looming, making you feel uneasy again.
Anyway, here’s to another day spent in doors just focusing on survival. One almost down before the husband returns on Wednesday.